Tonight is the night, two years ago that my dad passed away!
I feel anxious! Don't know why! But I do.
I remember it clearly! My eldest was just 9 months old. My husband Troy and I had flown to Oregon as a result of a phone call from my oldest brother. He told us that dad was in the hospital, and had told the nurses that he wanted to go home to be with his family to die! The day we arrived he checked out of the hospital to come home. The nurse burst into tears as she said goodbye. Perhaps it was because she knew that he was going home to die, and that his time left on earth would not be prolonged much longer. I remember seeing that nurse, a perfect stranger hug my frail father and tell him goodbye... tears welled up in her eyes. My dad had that effect on people! To know him was the greatest gift of all! He immediately captured your attention and your heart. He was true to his word and was kind to everyone he met! His legacy lives on.
This night, two years ago, all 4 children gathered around my dad. It was pretty graphic. He vomited blood and could not leave the couch. Eventually my oldest brother Travis hooked up the morphine pump. My sister, mother and I sat around my father and sang hymns to him as he drifted in and out of consciousness! I remember sitting beside him, alone, he appeared to be sleeping and I started to cry. I said "I love you Dad" and he answered me back and said "I love you too Angie." The joy filled my heart! He was still with me. Even though he appeared to be unconscious, he still heard me and he answered! Praise God!
I stayed up quite late and was determined not to leave his side. I finally went to bed about 11 pm or so. Then at about 2 am my brother called up the stairs "dad is gone." I rushed down stairs to be near him. Hoping to hear his voice one last time, but there was nothing. Just his earthly tent resting peacefully!
Even as I type this it seems so surreal. I mean, I have not been home back to Oregon since the funeral. Have not walked into my childhood home and realized he was missing. Have I really dealt with his death? I feel such an ache in my heart. I wonder if it will ever go away?
I wonder if my missing him will ever cease?
I know that he is with Jesus. Of this I am sure! I praise God in the peace that comes with knowing that Truth!
On this night, as I remember him, I look at my own life, and my family and I cannot bear to think of a day going by without them in my life!
Cherish what you are given. Be thankful for what you have. Know that your kids are entrusted to you for a season, and that eventually you have to let go and let God! Enjoy them while they are small, cherish every day. Even the days that seem to run on and on. The days that it seems like you are just doing the same things you did yesterday, and the day before. Know that your family is your God-given gift! The gift that is meant to be lived, loved, cherished and treasured! Remember that life on this earth is fleeting, make the most of what you have!
~Mama of the Littles~ (and daughter of one great man)